Mommy Fight Club: You Better Not Kiss Your Kids With That Mouth

I normally don’t pay much if any attention to celebrity anything. Seriously, my husband makes fun of me all the time for this. I’m so bad at caring about celebrity nonsense, I often only refer to them as the characters they’ve played, not their actual names. And I certainly never have any idea who is dating who or who dropped out of what project for what bizarre reason. Except for when Hotch kicked that writer in the shins. I mean, seriously dude. Why.

But when I came across this little gem I just couldn’t. My immediate reaction was “Oh for the love of…”

If you haven’t heard, Olivia Wilde is a monster. She’s a terrible human being and an even worse mother. Why? Well, you won’t possibly believe me, so you can see for yourself.

See that? She kissed her son. On. The. Lips. First the internet imploded. Then it wrote a lovely note to Ms. Wilde. It went something like this:

Dear Olivia Wilde,
We know you’re pretty much awesome in every way so, it’s time to troll you for something. Clearly the obvious answer is to criticize your parenting because everyone knows, if you’re a mom, you’re clearly screwing everything up and ruining your children for life. In fact, the more you love your kids and the harder you try to do right by them, the more you’re probably screwing them up and destroying their future. Oh, and herpes. Because, why not?
The Interwebs

Okay. I really don’t get this one. At all. Maybe I missed the memo, but is it really so horrific to kiss your kids like this? I feel like there is a rant within a rant here about the ridiculousness of assigning thoughts and intentions that just aren’t there. It just doesn’t make sense.

The First Rule of Fight Mom Club

For those that aren’t aware, being a mom in the age of the internet is like joining Fight Club. You are subject to 18+ years of abuse from friends, family, facebook friends you can’t quite remember how or when you met and total strangers. And you are expected to follow a strict set of rules. In case you are unfamiliar with the rules of moming, here they are.

The first rule of moming is: you are doing it wrong.
The second rule of moming is: YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG.
Third rule of moming: someone yells stop, goes limp, or taps out, flame them on the internet.
Fourth rule: shame all the moms.

In Moms Defense…

Look, this isn’t about defending Olivia Wilde. From all accounts, she’s a badass mom who doesn’t give a flying flip when this sort of nonsense swirls around the internet. More power to you, you kick ass mama bear, you! This is about the rest of us who maybe question ourselves every step of the way, or at least every third step. Can we please just stop!

Interwebs, really. For the love of all things lolcat, please, sit down and shut up. We’re working our butts off here trying to raise kids so they become functional (and hopefully really chill) adults that are NOTHING LIKE YOU, you judgmental keyboard warriors.

I get it, everyone has an opinion on what is right and best, and yeah, some methods may be generally accepted as better than others, but even then there are very few proven answers to parenting. Trust me, I wish there were more right or wrong, black or white, yes or no answers. But there are not. If there are, I’m pretty pissed at all the nurses who let me leave with my newborn without the complete instruction manual.

So unless someone is doing real harm to their child, buzz off. Can we PLEASE stop trolling every mom who posts a loving (or embarrassing) photo on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram? Thanks.


Military spouse and mom of one with experience in marketing, volunteer management and, most recently, web design, project support and copy writing. Currently leveraging a BS in Marketing from a top University to negotiate with a pint-sized version of myself. Outside of work and managing the household, I am a serial dabbler and have rarely met a craft or hobby I didn't enjoy. Whether it's painting, volunteering, or running through the sprinklers, there's always some small way to make every day its own adventure.

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